Am I being judged? Or am I judging myself?

After a much-needed break from proper blogging, I feel like I want to give it a go again. Now that I’m creating videos for my YouTube channel regularly, I don’t have much time to focus on writing. I miss it so I think I’ll aim to post on this blog at least once per week.

I’ve been back in Scotland for almost three weeks now and will be off to Thailand in a few days. It almost seems like I never left because everything here is the same. I’m back into “the swing of things” fine but I’m also struggling to come to terms with my eating. I’m still trying to sort out categories of foods: the foods I’m allowed to eat vs. the foods should I avoid, and then, of course, the foods I actually want to eat. I imagine these categories in a Venn diagram.

foods-im-allowed-to-eat

The foods I’m allowed to eat include fruit, veggies, potatoes, whole grains, and rice. The foods I should avoid are things like overt fats, processed foods, hummus, cakes, bread, other gluten/malt containing foods, and coffee. My problem is that I want to venture into the ‘foods I should avoid’ circle as often as I like without feeling guilty or judged.

I feel like I’m internalising a lot of judgement when it comes to the foods I eat. On one hand, I don’t care what other people think of me, but I can’t shake the feeling that some people are judging me for what I eat. They say they aren’t judging me personally, but if they seem to judge other people for eating similarly to how I’m eating currently, then it should follow that they are in fact judging me for eating the very same way.

Does it matter if others judge me? Not really, but I don’t like the feeling of being perceived as weak or deficient just because I eat differently.

I’ve been vegan for years now. My opinions and preferences for foods have changed. Yes, I was interested in a raw fruitarian lifestyle during the summer and still would be happy to live that way depending on where I end up living. I’m eating healthy cooked foods now (at least what I deem to be healthy, some people would argue otherwise) and I enjoy them. In the summer, depending on where we travel to first, I’ll probably revert back to eating mainly fruit simply because my favourite fruits will be in season and widely available.

Maybe it’s just me, but I never view eating habits as something that can be set in stone. I can never make the claim that I’d only eat fruit for the rest of my life, or that I’d never eat cooked food ever again.

If you don’t like eating cooked food, don’t eat it, but don’t judge others as deficient because they enjoy it. And similarly, don’t judge raw vegans just because you can’t imagine living that way. How about we don’t judge others at all? (I found Leo Babauta’s article, Letting Go of Judging People, helpful today.)

Or maybe my problem isn’t that others are judging me. Perhaps I’m too self-critical? Because for some reason, I can’t allow myself to not be strict when it comes to eating, so I feel judged or guilty anytime I relax my eating standards?

Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if I didn’t publicise the food I eat on social media. Perhaps I should just disappear for a bit and eat my food alone.

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4 thoughts on “Am I being judged? Or am I judging myself?

  1. I struggle with this too. I want to be a really clean and strict vegan but find that only eating fruits and veggies is really tough on my tum, and having too many restrictions can lead to obsession over my diet and late night binges on the foods I tell myself are bad. Then comes guilt and shame, even though no one else really cares if I eat cookies are not. Learning from this, I’m in a happy state of moderation now. I am vegan, but still allow myself some processed goodies from time to time. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. (-:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and thank you for this comment. Healthy vegan eating is a double-edged sword to me. I’m the same, I think striving for perfection with my eating leads to me obsessing over the foods I’m trying to avoid. I’m doing my best to just relax about everything. That’s great that you are in a better place! I’m getting there. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this comment! You’re right, I’m trying to be more flexible lately. I feel much better about everything since writing this post…it just takes time for me to realise that eating something like hummus or bread once in a while isn’t the end of the world, and as long as it’s vegan and doesn’t upset my stomach, I should eat it and enjoy it! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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