I’m having a rough couple of days.
I ‘blame’ my introversion for part of it. I know I’m an introvert because I prefer quiet time alone. I like to be left to my own devices. I guess that’s why I enjoy writing because I need to be alone with my thoughts. Some days I like to spend an entire day without talking. I need this quiet time to recharge.
However, this doesn’t mean I’m shy. I enjoy meeting new people and socialising but only for a set amount of time on my terms. Honestly, I’d rather stay at home by myself, but meeting people and making friends isn’t so bad. I just don’t like it to be forced.
I’d rather have a few close friends over lots of acquaintances. While I do know lots of people, I don’t interact with many of them at one time. I prefer to spend time with friends on a one-to-one basis because I like meaningful conversations over empty chit-chat. Large parties or gatherings give me anxiety from too much conversation.
I’ve been uncomfortable lately because I’m in a new city and I’m not used to it yet. I’ve experienced this feeling many times before during transitional periods in my life and it never seems to get easier. This feeling is exacerbated because I don’t always want to meet new people and socialise, but now these are essential parts of my lifestyle since I’m traveling to a new place every couple of weeks.
I was so comfortable with the way things were in Scotland that I can’t stop thinking about it. I miss my boyfriend terribly and my familiarity with Dundee, Glasgow, and Edinburgh.
I guess that’s expected since I lived there for 6 months. I do remember a brief adjustment period in the beginning following my move to Scotland but that quickly subsided. I think it took me less than a week to adjust because I seemed to fit in so well. And now I feel like Scotland is my home, and I’ve never felt that way about any other place.
I know that I will get over this uncomfortable feeling at some point because I have to. There’s nothing else I can do. Even though I’d prefer to not feel this way, and I know it would be easier to just go back to the way things were, I won’t let myself do that.
The only way I can grow is to force myself to persevere through difficult situations. In the end, I’ll be a stronger person with a better idea about who I am because these struggles give me real perspective. And usually, once I get through a situation, I realise it wasn’t that bad after all.
I find that changing my perspective can help alleviate difficult situations in my life. For instance, instead of dwelling on the fact that my phone was stolen at the Turkish Market today, I try to focus on the positive: my insurance covers theft of my personal belongings, my phone carrier will send me a brand new phone ASAP, and my personal information hasn’t been compromised because my phone was locked and now it’s completely suspended. Also, I’ll get to file a report at a German police station tomorrow with my friend translating for me. I’m legitimately excited about that—nerd alert!
And even though days like today can be tough because I miss my boyfriend, my ‘home’ in Scotland, and I don’t feel like I belong here in Berlin, I have plenty to be grateful for. I’m still visiting Berlin, writing every day, doing whatever the hell I want. I’m free.
When I started writing this post I felt down and frustrated but now I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’ll try and stay positive from now on. After all, I’ll see my boyfriend in a week and get to explore more of Europe for the first time ever.